I haven’t written an article in a while, so please bare with me if it’s sorta shit. We’re getting back in the swing of things.

These past few months have been interesting, to say the least. I don’t want to let myself too off the hook, but at the same time, I’m trying to get over using shame to motivate me.

This year has been a very unproductive year. I started a lot of things, I tried to start a Youtube channel, I tried to read much more, I tried to create my own writing course for myself. I tried to create more, to finish more, to understand myself more, to learn more. I wanted to better myself in every facet. I’m trying to write, while also making sure I’m reading enough, and at the same time I need to make sure I’m eating healthy and working out, while also improving my mental health and staying off social media and making sure I get enough sleep and not consuming too much but also allowing myself to enjoy things and get into fashion and find more hobbies and things I’m interested in while still maintaining my job and making time for my girlfriend and friends and family and having alone time. In trying to do so much, I’ve accomplished nothing.

I feel whiplashed, stuck in a whirlwind. Everything feels like a mess and I feel like I have no focus. I never know what’s the right course of action in the moment. I’m not sure how other people manage to do it. I’m not convinced other people manage to do it. I often want to give up on everything and never leave my bed, to stay there until the fabric of my covers rub into my skin enough that I get too uncomfortable and need to get up. I don’t want to have to eat anymore, or sleep, or fake a smile to my coworkers and family members. Is it weird to say I no longer wanna be human? I don’t wanna play the games, or follow the rules, or be constricted by the bonds of my mortal being. Why must I do things to survive? Why couldn’t I have existed as a rock?

The biggest issue is that everything just seems so hard. I feel like a child crying and complaining when I say that, but it’s the honest truth. Knowing what to do next is hard, continuing to work towards my goals when I see no progress is hard. So hard. I wanna say that I’ll do it anyways, that I’ll accomplish all my goals, that I’ll pull through, but I’m no longer so confident. I think that means I have to work through it anyways. Work through the pain. I read somewhere that you often feel the most restless and hopeless at the eve of your blessings. It’s so close, and you’ve worked so hard, that you get impatient. All the energy has us amped up, yet we’re tired at the same time. There’s also the fear of ending, the fear of death. Death of our former selves, death of the problems we’ve grown accustomed to, death of our current comforts, death of our lives. And of course it’s fair. Death can be scary. I think we just have to remind ourselves that death also provides the space for more life and more blessings. We only have space for one life, how do we expect to receive the life we want without creating the necessary space?

With all that being said, I’m not sure I have a conclusion for this or anything happy to send you off with. I’m still confused, still unfocused, and not the most confident in my future. So many questions are still unanswered. Yet, I still wish to one day find them, so what can I do besides keep going? I’ll try to be back again soon. Hopefully you return and join me. Thank you very much for reading these unedited thoughts. Have a wonderful day.