This is for me, but it’s also addressed to anyone that needs this as well.

I consider myself to be a person with a high level of self-awareness. I can intellectualize many of my shortcomings and the problems I face, and can even logically come up with solutions. I enjoy reading and learning; I enjoy solving problems. Many of the ways in which I understand to solve the problems that I face have come from such reading and learning. I know what’s supposed to work, what has changed others lives, certain things to stay away from, but in the end, nothing truly seems to be working for me. The paradox that I’ve found myself in is of not knowing. Are the things I’m doing actually benefitting me and will it lead me to the destination I’m aiming for? I’ll never know until I get there and see it through. However, what if what I’m doing is leading me somewhere entirely different? What if it’s taking me somewhere I definitely do not wanna go? What happens then? How will I know? What if that too is just part of the route to get to my goal? What if it isn’t? How will I know?

Recently, I’ve been struggling to cope with the idea that maybe I don’t actually have any goals. I don’t actually have a calling or a life’s work. That maybe none of us do. I’ve been struggling with the thought that maybe we aren’t supposed to be doing anything, and that’s a hard thing to come to terms with. Growing up, I was filled with the notion that everything is for the grand plan of God, and that I have some place in it, that my mere existence plays a role in the fabric of all that there is. To some, that might sound narcissistic, and maybe it is. It’s something I’m struggling to come to terms with too. There is also the shame that comes with this realization. A shame that comes from the thought that I might not have any real desires or goals and how that might make me look to others. A shame that has caused me to come up with goals that others might respect me for, or might be sufficient enough to make me seem like a proper member of society. To many people, someone without goals or desires is a bum, a leech. A waste of resources. I struggle with the idea that at the core of my being, I am one of these “bums”.

When I look back, I don’t remember a single time I ever dreamed of having a job or a career as a child. Not until I was made aware that we were supposed to have one in mind. After that point I can remember some aspirations of being a writer, an architect, or some type of athlete, but were they just goals I’ve adopted to appease my family, my schools, and my friends? On the other hand, I wonder if it’s also my fear that strips away the feelings of having true goals and aspirations. While I can’t remember a real desire for a career as a child, does that truly make the ones I made later any less real, or has the sting of failure made me fear trying something new? Was the burning desire in my chest just some chemical fabrication? Was it only the thought of praise, fame, and wealth that I was excited about? Or maybe has the lack of success in my goals grown the cynicism inside of me until I believe any further sliver of hope to be nonesense?

Is it the shame of goalessness or the fear of failure that grips the core of my being so tightly? Could it possibly be both? Can I be both goaless and afraid of my goals at the same time? I’m merely afraid of the path I’ve set myself on in an attempt to please others. Or maybe I realize how daunting the goals I truly want are. Perhaps I’m more afraid of my high standards. Perhaps I’m afraid I won’t stack up the the vision of myself, or what that means for my life if it turns out I do.

I think it’s true I do feel fear and I do feel shame. I don’t think there’s any denying that. I’m just struggling to understand if the sources are real or a fabrication. At times like this, I wish there was someone who could just tell me the answer. Unfortunately, I don’t believe such person exists. I must figure it out myself.